Initiating Poetry Sequence

[[robo9•2]]

This isn't a stream at all, but I thought the new title would cause people to click this thread and read it!

Instead of an end of course exam for my Spanish class, we were told to write a poem about something we had overcome. Ironically, it was allowed to be written in English. Before turning this deal in, I was wanting some constructive criticism on it :

The trouble started  after a book
A book, I might add, with a quite clever hook
A Brief History of Time by a mister Steve Hawkins
Less blasphemous than, say one by Rick Dawkins
My mother stood flabbergasted, gasping  in awe
This Big Bang book was the very last straw
Big Bang? Evolution? You believe in such trash?
My mother had asked me, and was rather brash
Unwilling to lie, I told her the truth 
But to her, my retort seemed rather uncouth
I tried as might to remain quite polite
But with my mom a disagreement always ends in a fight 
To her atheism was something right vile
And of course it was met with flat out denial
But Loretta Gillespie isn't known for her leniency 
As she tried to slap me when asking for decency 
To respect my opinion as a true human would
Which evidently, is not something she could
Alas I grabbed her hand, before she could hit me
And tried to leave the house oh ever so quickly 
And  by  my collar she dragged me back in
This, I thought, was when the fun would begin
A hypocrite, she called me, for attending youth sessions
However I told her, I was there for the lessons. 
While I lacked the belief in a giant sky fairy
The teachings themselves weren't so contrary 
The teachings of Christ, I myself had respected
If he had even existed, I then recollected. 
But the teachings of Mohammed and Buhda, I also praise
This Jesus Christ figure, isn't the only one to amaze
I'd attend a mosque or a temple, and attempt to converse
But unfortunately Dumas, Arkansas isn't exactly diverse
My father came home, and more yelling ensued
No matter what I could say, I was pretty much screwed
My mother sobbing, fearing damnation if I was to die
And it was the first time I had seen my dear father cry
My mom viewed my books with incredible scorn
"I'd rather it'd be a pile of porn"
She contemplated throwing them out
The fact that I bought them, was not in account
As I rebuked everyone of their comforting lies
They decided to send me to one who was wise 
Brought to my grandpa, so we could have a discussion
I hatched a plan to avoid repercussion.
I would still feign belief in their make believe god
And even today, I still keep this facade 
To tell a lie that would completely  eat away at my heart
Is worth keeping my family from tearing apart
Now if you plan to repeat this, I urge you to quit
Because if my parents find out again, I'm in some serious.....Trouble.

(The end is an obvious attempt to make it sounds as if I were going to say shit, for those who don't pick it up. In a room of high schoolers, a portion will find it hilarious.)
 

[alexmach1]

many lols were had. very entertaining, atm i dont see any errors because its 11PM and im tired. actually, i removed some syllables and minor errors. still tired.

fixes (Click to View)

(05-15-2012 06:32 AM)[Cokealorum] Wrote:  The trouble started  after a book -9
A book, I might add, with a quite clever hook -11
A Brief History in Time by a mister Steve Hawkins -14
Less blasphemous than, say one by Rick Dawkins -11
My mother stood flabbergasted, gasping  in awe -12
This Big Bang book was the very last straw -10
Big Bang? Evolution? You believe in such trash? -12
My mother had asked me, and was rather brash -11
Unwilling to lie, I told her the truth -10
But to her, my retort seemed rather uncouth -11
I tried as I might to remain quite polite -11
But with my mom a disagreement always ends in a fight -15
To her atheism was something quite vile -10
And of course it was met with flat out denial -11
But Loretta Gillespie isn't known for leniency  -14
As she tried to slap me when asking for decency  -13
To respect my opinion as a true human would -13
Which evidently, is not something she could -11
I grabbed her hand, before she could hit me -10
And tried to leave the house ever so quickly  -11
And by my collar she dragged me back in -10
This, I thought, was when the fun would begin -10
A hypocrite, she called me, for attending youth sessions -13
However I told her, I was there for the lessons.  -13
While I lacked the belief in a giant sky fairy -13
The teachings themselves weren't so contrary  -10
The teachings of Christ, I myself had respected -12
Had he even existed, I then recollected.  -13
The teachings of Mohammed and Buddha, I also praise -14
This Jesus Christ figure, isn't the only one to amaze -15
I'd attend a mosque or a temple, and attempt to converse -15
But unfortunately Dumas, Arkansas isn't very diverse -17
My father came home, and more yelling ensued -11
No matter what I say, I was pretty much screwed -12
My mother, sobbing, fearing damnation should I die -13
And it was the first time I had seen my dear father cry -14
My mom viewed my books with incredible scorn -11
"I'd rather it'd be a pile of porn" -10
She was contemplating throwing them out -10
The fact that I bought them, was not in account -11
As I rebuked everyone of their comforting lies -13
They decided to send me to one who was wise  -12
Brought to my grandpa, so we could have a discussion -13
I had hatched a nice plan to avoid repercussion. -13
I would still feign belief in their make believe god -12
And even today, I have still kept this facade  -12
To tell a lie that would completely consume my heart -13
Is worth keeping my family from tearing apart -13
Now if you plan to repeat this, I urge you to quit -13
For if my parents find out, I'm in some serious.....Trouble. -14/15

friendly tip, rhyming lines should share similar syllable count, lest they sound out of place
also, i noticed that your syllable count is uneven, so consistency and even numbers also factor in.
of course, you have every right to ignore me as i am getting a D in english because i hate that class...

[Lexou Duck]

I dunno, the syllable count changes quite a lot, but when reading it, it goes along quite smoothly, like a dr. seuss story, haha

Also, if you're mother is genuinely scared about you going to damnation after death, just tell her you're living a good enough life that you don't have to grip on to something of questionable existence such as heaven, to make it all seem worthwhile

[[robo9•2]]

Thanks Alex and Lexou. I know there are some minor typos and such, it was written on my iPhone at 12 am.

I know the syllable count does constantly change, but I thought it flowed nicely as well. Since its 1/1, if someone else says something about it I'll look into it.

I tried to have it flow as best as I could, as close to Dr Suess as I could get it. However I lack the technical prowess to write in an anapestic tetra meter, so I constantly repeated it and tried to go by ear.

And Lexou, this confrontation happened a good time ago, and I honestly don't won't to reopen such wounds. I'll wait untill I'm out of college, where I'm out of the house and financially independent

[[robo9•2]]

Here's a quick poem that came to my mind. It's a more light hearted than the previous one


If I were to call myself a thug
It would be because of my vw bug
The places Id go the places Id venture
Attached to the hip, like gramps and his dentures 
But alas one day there was a ker-ash!
My poor little bug is now in the trash

[alexmach1]

(05-16-2012 04:29 AM)[Cokealorum] Wrote:  It's a more light hearted than the previous one

but previous didnt write one

nice poem!

[[robo9•2]]

The angels themselves once harked of a hero
The hero they say, read in ones and in zeroes
Villains trembled the sight of his fearsome one wheel
But who's to say the poor lad never did feel
After sparing a life, the story does say-o
The hero would cry jars and jars of pure mayo
A being they once labeled as mean and delirious
Here's a poem to you, oh dear little Previous

[Lexou Duck]

i knew what it was about at mayo haha

but previous is your little bro ain't he ?

[[robo9•2]]

TSR allows me to think of some mighty fine poetry. I might've broke meter somewhere, but oh wells

Here's a poem dedicated to the one guy that Jetters has given a -1 to~


God dammit Bnewton
I'm coming out shootin'
Because you've returned to the board

Your spriting is lazy
And people go crazy
Because your complaints are galore

Attention you crave
But you misbehave
Since crits are not something you take

To finish my goal
Stop feeding this troll
Or ban his ass back to the grave

[[robo9•2]]

Started writing this and it somehow turned depressing. No idea why

Oh tell me the story
The youngest one asked
So Grandpa just grumbled and opened his flask
And took a long gulp of his  old sweetened brandy
A taste he embraced  and thought was quite dandy
"It all had started in midst of the war
Where we and the Germans would settle the score
Yet I was unneeded, in battle atleast
They sent me to countries right here in the east
His finger was pointing somewhere on the map
Older ones scoffing at his blatant crap
His stories grew wild each time he would tell
How he had met Ma at some old hotel 
On a trip to East for peaceful relations
That ended one night with joyful felations
Though after the stories he'd shed a few tears
The fact that his lover was no longer here
Tore into his heart more times he could bare
And then came the day he was no longer there
Away from the doctors, away from staff
No final words, only a laugh
Yet I believe there is nothing after this life
Atleast he's in nothing there with his wife

[Mighty Jetters]

(07-10-2012 05:23 AM)[robo9] Wrote:  TSR allows me to think of some mighty fine poetry. I might've broke meter somewhere, but oh wells

Here's a poem dedicated to the one guy that Jetters has given a -1 to~


God dammit Bnewton
I'm coming out shootin'
Because you've returned to the board

Your spriting is lazy
And people go crazy
Because your complaints are galore

Attention you crave
But you misbehave
Since crits are not something you take

To finish my goal
Stop feeding this troll
Or ban his ass back to the grave

I've negged more people than just him. But these are all great anyway!

[Baegal]

These are all really good! You have serious talent.
The previous one was my favorite :]

[Previous]

Quote:Yet I believe there is nothing after this life
Atleast he's in nothing there with his wife

I can prove you wrong
However, I'd have to kill you in order to do it!!

[[robo9•2]]

Evidently all of the cool kids ask people to prom in the beginning of the year, and I thought this hobby of mine will work attached to a rose. Unfinished, but this probably won't be used anyways


I know I'm not all handsome
And too often I debate
And being truly honest,I'm really not that great

But you, my dear, are special
Full of grace and true beauty
Eyes that shine like an emerald, elegance that rivals a queen

Blank
Blank
And I was wondering, if you would, please go to prom with me

[Hoeloe]

I feel like mentioning that Stephen Hawking's book was called A Brief History of Time, and not A Brief History in Time.